Reader,

Five years ago, I was trying to coordinate care for a client of mine. Our work had come to a natural end, and it was time for a referral so they could work on something else. They knew there weren’t that many WOC providers in their area, and they knew they would probably have to work with a white provider.

When I ask my network for referrals, I’m very explicit about what I’m looking for. I talk about the importance of finding someone who either shares a marginalized identity with the person or can attune to that identity, someone who has done their own work and is on their own journey of unlearning.

Five years ago, this client had a consultation with a provider who had assured me that, as a white woman, she was all those things. After the consultation, she sent me this message:

I appreciated her honesty with me, but I was disappointed by her lack of honesty with the client. I was frustrated that she had responded to my referral request in the first place. She could have saved both my client and me some time by being upfront about what she could and couldn’t offer.

I was angry at her assumption that the client was annoyed. Come on. That is a perpetual label Black and brown women receive simply for having feelings, including feelings that might come from being guarded around white people. What gets interpreted as annoyance can be discomfort, caution, frustration, or a completely reasonable response to an interaction. And sometimes, yes, someone is annoyed. Aren’t we allowed to be annoyed too???

I was sad about her projection that the client wasn’t expecting a call. This person was ready for the next level of their journey. They were motivated. Anyone with some cultural attunement could have sensed that readiness while also recognizing what might have come across as annoyance. Those things can coexist, and it takes some curiosity to make room for them instead of deciding you already know what’s happening.

But I was pissed at yet one more empty “sorry.” And please don’t tell me how I know it was empty. If you hold a marginalized identity, you probably know what it feels like to receive a superficial apology instead of a heartfelt one. You know the difference between someone wanting to move past the discomfort of having caused harm and someone willing to take responsibility for what they did.

But in case you need to know (and there’s no shame in needing to know, actually – I’m just kinda pissed reliving this moment), this therapist’s apology wasn’t followed by any reflection on how she might do things differently in the future. There was no, “I’m sorry. I realize now that I should have responded to the potential client differently.” No, “I’m sorry I wasted their time.” No, “I’m sorry. I need to be more honest about the kinds of referrals I can actually support.” It was just “sorry.”

And as I know you know, this isn’t only about race or interactions between white providers and BIPOC clients. It can happen in any interaction between a provider who holds a privileged identity and a client who holds a marginalized one. It can happen whenever we assume we understand someone’s experience, interpret their behavior through our own worldview, and fail to consider how our position shapes what we see.

This is about how we attune to difference and despite difference. There is nothing wrong with being different, and there is everything wrong with the assumptions we make about people who are different from us, especially when those assumptions lead us to cause harm without even realizing it… sigh.

I don’t expect us to get everything right. That would be a ridiculous expectation, and it would leave very little room for the actual practice of unlearning. But I do expect us to be willing to examine our assumptions, to listen when someone tells us we’ve caused harm, and to think about what we need to do differently. An apology can be part of that process, but it cannot stand in for the process itself.

With liberatory care,

Silvana

​​Liberatory Letters | The Practice of Liberation | Decolonize Your Practice​

PS. Speaking of the things we need to learn to see differently, I’ve been putting together Widen the Frame, a free email series that explores the 12 conditions that make up a healing ecosystem, one email at a time. We’ll look beyond what happens in the therapy room to the material, cultural, ancestral, relational, political, ecological, and other conditions that shape healing. It’s an introduction to the ideas behind Healing Is An Ecosystem, especially if you’re curious about expanding your understanding of healing but aren’t ready for the full field guide yet. You can sign up here: Widen the Frame.

PPS. Healing Is An Ecosystem takes the idea of widening the frame much further. The field guide is for clinicians who are ready to look beyond the therapy room and consider the conditions surrounding a person’s healing: material circumstances, community, culture and ancestry, spirituality, relationships, the body, identity, creativity, ecology, politics and systems, and more. It asks you to consider not only what you can provide as a clinician, but what else might belong in someone's healing ecosystem. You can think of Widen the Frame as the doorway, and HIAE as the place where we spend more time exploring what we find once we walk through it.

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⬆️ Let's connect!